


the shape of our fear

by BeautifulNight2drinkTequila



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22164121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeautifulNight2drinkTequila/pseuds/BeautifulNight2drinkTequila
Summary: After S7E12 X CopsMulder asks Scully about her fear monster
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 15
Kudos: 70





	the shape of our fear

“I’m sorry we didn’t find and catch your fear monster, Mulder.” A smile ghosted across her face, as Scully leaned back into her seat, trying to get comfortable on their flight back to DC. 

“Just out of curiosity, what would you have done if you’d caught up with it?” She gave up trying to hide her smirk, and looked expectantly across the aisle of the airplane. Their flight was almost empty, and they had claimed the whole row of seats to spread out. 

“That’s funny, coming from you,” he replied dryly, “I wonder what it would have felt like to be chased by an unmade bed, or a carton of whole milk, perhaps?” he was laughing now, unable to stop himself from teasing her. 

“Says the man who doesn't own a bed, or milk for that matter..” He didn’t have to look over to know that she was rolling her eyes, but he heard the smile in her voice nevertheless.

“But seriously, what shape would it have taken for you, what do you think?” He leaned closer towards her, fixing her with an unreadable look. 

She leaned back, contemplating his question. Part of her wanted to laugh it off, tell him some long forgotten story she heard Ahab tell on one of their many camping trips, where she had stayed up, determined to not be sent to bed like a baby. She allowed herself a moment to get lost in the nostalgia of that memory, the thrill of being included, the sound of the forest and the crackling of the fire, Bill teasing her and Melissa telling him to shut up. How it felt afterwards snuggling in her sleeping bag, trying not to think of the tales her father had told in his soothing baritone, of monsters, perilous storms and the wild untamed sea, of treasure and doomed heroes.

She startled as she felt a warm hand on her arm, and turned to find Mulder leaning towards her. 

“Hey, where did you go?” he was searching her expression for clues, but she just shook her head, as if she was willing herself back to the present.

“I was just thinking back…” her face still aglow with childhood memories. 

“Tell me. We got nothing but time.” He replied eagerly, not sure what was to follow, but curious anyways. It was a rare moment to get Scully to open up and share.

“Oh, it’s nothing, and wouldn’t really answer your question to be honest.” She realized how evasive that sounded, shrugged and turned towards him. He cleared the window seat next to her and before she could protest, climbed over her, squeezing himself into the small space. 

“Come on, spill it Scully!”

“Well, I guess we need to establish the boundaries and rules of your  _ theory  _ first.” She couldn’t help to mimic air-quotes and it was his turn to roll his eyes with a smile. 

“So, based on your assumption the monster will only appear to people who believe themselves in mortal danger, and will take the form of their worst nightmare?” She raised her eyebrow at him as he nodded in agreement.

“How honest do you want this answer to be?” she ventured to ask. “Because if you’re looking for a good monster/ghost story, I’m sure you’ll have mine beat by a mile..” 

He surprised her when he took her hand and whispered “Please. I want to know.”

“Well, I had a lot of time thinking about death and dying during my illness, so sometimes I feel like I’ve forgotten how to live. It was scary living with what amounts to a death sentence, but it was also a little liberating in the sense that I didn’t really have to deal with my future anymore...I was angry and felt cheated, of course, but I also didn’t really have to worry about anything beyond a certain point.” She pulled her hand free to rub her face. 

“I’m not explaining this well..” she sighed, afraid to look at him. “Sometimes I feel like a part of me did die back then, and when I now try to think of something that would make me fear for my life, I can’t think of anything. I feel like I’m more afraid that I’ve forgotten how it feels to be alive.”

She leaned into her seat, folding her hands in her lap while avoiding his troubled look. 

“I know about survivor's guilt and PTSD, that a lot of people feel this way, it’s just different reading about it, as to when it happens to you.”

“Have you thought about talking to somebody about this?” She was surprised by the gentleness in his voice. The sun had set behind them, casting their faces in a strange glow.

She just shrugged. He raised the armrest separating them to pull her into him, despite her protests of being fine. 

She was such a fierce, strong person, sometimes he forgot how much she’s been through in the years they had known each other, and he felt so grateful that she felt comfortable to open up to him about such a vulnerable subject. In moments like these he felt so helpless, he didn’t know how to take away her pain and hopelessness, and it made him want to jump out of his skin. 

All he could do was hold her in a tight embrace, soothing her with whispered promises of being here, always, for whatever she needed. It wasn’t enough, not even by a long shot, but they both relaxed into each other and spend the rest of the flight in comfortable silence.

On the drive home from the airport he kept looking over, as if there was something he wanted to ask, so she finally asked him what was bothering him.

“I’m not sure how to bring this up, but when I first asked you about the monster you had such a happy, dreamy expression on your face, what were you thinking about? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I was just wondering..” he trailed off, embarrassed. But she just smiled, and told him about her childhood memories featuring campfires and scary stories. He smiled at this, imagining the stubborn little red haired girl, sitting among her siblings, wide eyed and scared. 

When he pulled over at her apartment building, he turned off the car and fixed her with a searching look.

“Are you ok? Do you want me to come up?” She just shook her head, already in the process of getting out of the car. 

“Mulder, I’m fine.” But he was quicker, exiting the vehicle, crossing to her side in three long strides, he stood impossibly close to her, forcing her to tip her head back to be able to shoot him a questioning look. He just leaned down and pressed his warm lips to hers.

The kiss was so impossibly gentle, she thought for a moment she had imagined it. But he was still standing right in front of her, a tender smile on his face. 

“Call me if you need me.” and with that he was gone, leaving her to contemplate what it felt like to be alive. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it.  
> I love comments and kudos, so feel free to hmu on here or twitter  
> @dancingaboutar3
> 
> All mistakes are my own, I own none of the lovely people I choose to write about.


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